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[30 Sep 2004|01:01am]
guilt bears the weight of a herd of elephants on my chest
guilt of an unseen sin
maybe indifference
maybe something more
maybe its the realization of being void of all emotion but love
maybe its not guilt at all
but rather the weight of knowledge
the knowledge of eternal grace and unrecognized
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[15 Sep 2004|12:45am]
thats right. new jimmy. the things just blows off my face so hard im just a muscle face. weird.
ps starbucks = hell?...yes that is correct!
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[30 Aug 2004|12:20am]
here i go again. back in the place i hate to be. the place i feel at home. the place i loathe. filled with anticipation but tired with worry. strange how i feel most lonely here at home.

i know i need to forget all expectations now. drop all perceived thoughts as to what i think i know. i need to come back to a place of uncertainty. a place where i am totally dependent on the unseen. on faith. all these perceived truths are really nothing at all. there is one truth. one way. one beginning. one end. a beginning i have taken on. an ending i just cant see myself ever obtaining. the path is paved. it is marked with blood. it is marked with pain. is is clear as day but i just cant seem to find it.

one day i hope i can write down something of some small importance. something that can translate my thought to this empty space. something that will ease the restlessness i feel inside.
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in the grips of lucifer [22 Aug 2004|01:30am]
oh vice of vices. sqeezing the life from my body. the spirt is crushed under the weight of your temptation. it is no longer i who control you but you who capture my entire being. you engulf my thoughts. you engulf my heart. you engulf me. i watch myself watch you take over. your ruthless jaws crush my will with little to no resistance. i am dead to all that is good. where is my strength? it has left me alone? no...it is still there. i see Him. i know He is there. yet i dont reach out my hand. when i need You most i let my selfish pride push all loigc aside. i have been defeated yet i must not alow You to pick up my pieces. i can do it...i must keep on...but it is all invain. i am nothing apart from You. i have nothing apart from you. i can never amount to anything away from You. yet i still let the suffering ensue. i refuse to let pride die. i refuse to die to my self. You said "take up your cross daily." well here is my chance to show You...right? no. that is foolishness. that is ignoance. i must let go. i must die to live. i must loose to gain. i have to give up and give in...to You. no longer need i stuggle with this. You promise me strength. shelter. power. comfert. victory. take my hand...im reaching out. pull me up. lift me high...where no one or no thing can touch me but Your love. take me to where all this world disappears. it is all meaningless. it will all ide. it will all come to pass. it will all become nothing more than the dust it was formed from. but forever i will live in Your courts. forever will dance on streets of gold. forever i will praise your name. forever will only be forever if i let go. forever will only become forever if i let myself die. if i take your hand. if i acknowledge my sin as sin. if i give up control.
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with a razor blade keep me warm and teach me feeling [15 Aug 2004|11:11am]
these days seem to get more and more monotonous. as i drove last night the hands of time semed to spin in reverse and send me winding myself down the road of my past. suddenly i was again seventeen years old. suddenly i was again board with life. driving, driving, driving, looking but never finding. the wandering man roaming the earth for the truth that is so close all i have to do is open my eyes. but i didnt. i wont. im scared of what is there. though i know full well tha tit is nothing but love and salvation. i know that with opening my eyes i will be revieved into open arms, the fattened lamb will be slain, a party will ensue, and life will again have a meaning and a purpose. however i find myself sqeezing my eyes shut tighter and tighter. tears sqeeze themselves through my lids only to drop silently and be forgotten.
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[01 Aug 2004|11:41pm]
this is where you write about stuff...stuff as in anything...like announcments...like i dont think i can be happier right now...and also like...i dont think i can be more disapointed right now
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[28 Jul 2004|02:56pm]
last night i dreamed about keith...he was home...i was sooooo happy i started to cry...bawl actually is more appropriate in this situation...when i woke up i again began to cry because it was a dream...again the appropriate word would be bawl
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[26 Jul 2004|02:52pm]
sitting at work on my first break in....8 days. i am completely and utterly disgusted with the children of today. i have no faith in the future years of this nation during my retirement years. sad. everyone is a spoiled brat. oh well.

in other news...

janelle. perhaps the woman i have been searching for? not so sure. quite a bold statement. however...impressed so far. first girl i have met in a long time that i actually miss when away. Good or bad? good i suppose. anyway what i have come to know i have come to like.

school!!!! coming up soon! still no classes. still very disorganized. still hate school.
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[14 Jul 2004|03:05pm]
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

sometimes i just want to forget. those stupid things i do. those stupid things i say. those stupid learned behaviors. my pride. my arrogence. if only i could forget.

im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry.

i didnt mean it. it was supposed to be fun. but now its dead. i wish i could make an excuse. but im out. i have nothing to justify my words. my actions. my faults.
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[03 Jun 2004|01:14am]
i dont really have anything to say
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[27 May 2004|02:01am]
i love getting tickets. especially for rolling stop signs.
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[25 May 2004|11:09pm]
im just glad.
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[24 May 2004|12:30am]
it makes me sick. the way you work. it was my dream. my plan. my big adventure. you took it. you exploited it. rubbed it in my face. threw it right in my face. you bitch. i hate that about you. cant you live your own life? who are you? you dont even know. youve been caught up in living other peoples lives for so long you dont even cant even answer that simple question. when are you going to realize we are done. this is finished. you and i dont belong in the same sentence let alone city! youve ruined it. you destroyed it. my dream is tainted. my hopes obliterated. my fun snuffed out. you killed me. you ended me. you. you. you. you. hows that for it being about you. you. you. you. well i hope you enjoy it. i hope you love it. i hope you cherish it. it wont last. you dream will end. it has ended. it is dead. before it even started. its over. you won but you lost. im gone. im dead. we are dead. we are finished. not finished like when you are a kid finished with your vegetables. where there is still bit left to pick at. no. no. no. no. finished like a bullet to the head. finished like a pierced lung. finished period. ended. done. dead. gone. gone. gone. can you hear that? gone. gone. gone. understand? over. over. over. IT IS OVER. get it? i hope so.
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[23 May 2004|02:51am]
it comes up on you when least expect it. it sneaks up on you from the deepest part of your heart and before you know it you are infected. it spreads quickly like cancer. or fingers that quickly and efficiently choke your vital organs of all life. soon you have no control. its a down spiral of blurred words and emotions. circling the mind like a horse of a marry go round. up down and and around. up down and around. you enjoy it. you love it. its one of those rides you think you have grown too old for but some how it never seems to loose its appeal. its a beautiful dance between you and your horse and the leaping tiger next to you. you chase each other around in circles. never quite in reach of the other. the ride is endless. but you love it. i love it. i love how the spinning of the ride sends me into a euphoric daze. sometimes making me sick but none the less a blissful state. a state where nothing else matters. just me and the ride. i get caught up in it. forgetting everything else. when you are there nothing else matters. but when the ride ends...if it ends...i am just left disappointed. but still wanting to get on again. something about the ride...the spinning...the twirling...the chase lures me in. it is as if im hypnotized. controlled. forced to go again. but i willing go again. so is it really forced. but here i go again.
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[20 May 2004|10:40pm]
so tired of life....maybe i just need to go to bed
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[20 May 2004|02:32am]
one day it will come. when i dont want it. it will stick its lovely face right up under my nose and the...oh then...i will be ever so thankful.
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[18 May 2004|11:18pm]
thirteen blew my mind. its not even about girls that age....its about girls my age. 18,19,20,21,22...it doesnt matter. it is the truth. i was so taken back at the reality of the whole ordeal. the impact that movie left was incredible. i was speechless for at least ten minutes (kurt right away started to talk about it and then he turned on the light and continued to blah blah blah for a couple more minutes until he left the room...i was more than kinda upset about that). i just wanted to sit there the rest of the night and reflect on what i had just witnessed. sheer brilliance on part of the director, cinematographer, and the actors. just think....it is real. these girls were in seventh grade! this makes me wonder about when i have children. what are the circumstances going to be? what are they going to be into? does this responsibility fall on the parent? well obviously yes...to an extent. the lord only knows how many girls actually live like this. my heart breaks. truly and sincerely it breaks for those girls. it broke right there infront of those watching with me. i was painfully silent as tears wet my checks. there was no way to stop it. my stomach turned over and over and wound up tight into knots while my eyes were glued to the screen. it was incredible. and in case i havent said it enough it was incredible.
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[17 May 2004|11:20pm]
all i wanted was just a little bit more
it wasnt much...but i love it when daniel makes fun of the emoness i write

ps its all for you...all of it
from the tears to the screams
the joys to the frustrations
i cant believe it all ends soon
i dont think i can live without you
next year well cope
we will just scrape by
but here i will preserve what we have
ill keep it alive
like a surgeon operating all through the night
you live forever here in my words
we will die here together just a couple of lj nerds
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[17 May 2004|04:37pm]
i have decided that worship can some is so many forms. well this is not a new concept to me but it is something i am experiencing in things that have originally no real spiritual meaning. namely through music. the two most recent experiences curtsy of sigur ros and the new velvet teen...which is currently sending me into a euphoric frenzy...yes that seems to be a contradiction but let me assure you...its by far not
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[16 May 2004|01:23am]
do you ever feel really emo. then you realize how lame that is. its awesome if you never have. its funny how you just want to write down something....anything...just a little scratch of the surface of how you REALLY feel. the truth is that the emotion inside is so intense you loose it with words. i guess thats why sex is supposed to be so good. you dont need any words.
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